Latest Entries
Sleep Deprived Ramblings
9/7/25
Click to expand
I am doing swimmingly
Hello again everyone. First blog post of July.
I have already managed to lose my proverbial shit in the short time I've taken away from here, so let this post be a documentation ofmy madness.
Firstly, I got back on my birth control. I had been bleeding nonstop for months and was nearing anemia, so this was the best course of action. (friendly reminder this blog is run by a transgender man by the way)
However, in stopping myself from the trivial problem of bleeding out due to chronic illness, the Birth control also majorly donked up my hormones.
This, as many things do, lead to Circumstances.
It is probably dead obvious to anyone who follows my site that I have an afinity for the game Deltarune, given my multiple fanarts of it. I've been into it since the year it came out when I was 10 years old.
However, for some unknowable reason, my birth control induced fuege state caused me to not only rekindle my childhood special interest in it but also to hyperfixate on specific elements; namely, the character Tenna and the ship spamtenna (as embarressing as that may seem to admit
As odd as it is, it's made me happy; I've been happier recently then i've been in a long time.
I even had an epiphany while, funnily enough, looking for fanfiction of the ship, that throwing away my shame of consuming stuff like fanfic is essential for me to grow up.
For the first time in a while, I feel happy to be gay again. I live in an isolated, conservitive area; all my formatively "gay" experiences have really come from shipping and fanfic. It's been a while since my heart has raced this way. I literally broke down the day this started because I wasn't used to the amount of emotion I was feeling; it had just been so long.
I will admit here that the "divorce" and breakup elements of the ship do really make me feel deathly sad. As much as I'll joke about "doomed yaoi" and whatnot, I can't escape my own fear of abandonment and rejection bleeding into the art I consume.
But, on the other hand, it also gives me a safe place to ponder these things. It even gives me an oppertunity to imagine them making up; it gives me a place to turn my own coping fantasies into reality. It gives me a safe outlet of soft denial.
On a less poetic or positive note, Deltarune is also taking up more brain real estate than my game at the moment. Luckily, although highly distracted I may be, I am still continuing to meet may daily writing quotas. With my pace, I feel I will be done with my first draft by the end of my summer break, which excites me.
Until then though, I will still try my hardest to put all of myself that I can into this story. No matter if it's ugly, or confusing, or genric, or boring; it will be mine.
As I conclude this, it is 2:48 in the morning. The soles of my feet burn from poor circulation do to my position, my back slightly aches, my neck is stiff, the skin around my eyes feels dry and heavy. But, I am still awake.
I will try to work on my About Me and Dev (B)log pages soon. Sorry for how long they've taken. Life seems all too hectic for me even as I spend my time doing very little.
Please do not judge yourself poorly for whatever harmless things may bring you joy. No matter how childish, or odd, or socially unacceptable; it is in times like these more than ever where we must hang on to joy for dear life. Cherish these embarrassing, guilty moments; we will need that close kept hope for later.
-Dallas Majarra
Art Without Social Media
25/6/25
Click to expand
Ever since I began to take art seriously, about 10 years old, I was posting my art online.
Was any of it traditionally what society conciders "good art" back then? Well, no; not really. However, that didn't really matter.
What did matter was that people told me what I was making was good. That I was doing something worthwile.
Whether it had been on Amino, Deviantart, Instagram,Tumblr etc.; that was what fueled me to create and told me what I was doing was worthwhile. It was validation.
But now, I find myself somewhere strange; I still draw original and fan based art, I still sing, I still experiment with music. But, I no longer have anywhere to post it.
The closest thing I do have is Discord; I'm in 2 active servers, 1 of which is populated entirely by personal friends. However, it doesn't scratch the same itch social media did. I don't know why.
And, of course, I have here. My Gallery page has been up for nearly a week now, and I've been posting my art there since.
But, people cannot comment on my gallery. They cannot "like" it either. All I can do is sit and wonder if anyone will ever see it. Not for money, not even for attention, but for the possibility it may effect one other person in any way.
Despite my growing feelings of emptiness and pointlessness I've been experiencing since this change, I still believe it is for the best.
I can now focus on valuing my art for much healthier reasons; the opinions of my friends, and most importantly, how I feel towards it myself.
I may never become a famous artist, or game developer, or songwriter or whatever else. Maybe I will end up as all of those things. Either way, I must internalize the fact that I am an artist, and that is a state of being which justifies itself.
-Dallas Majarra
Nighttime Terrors
21/6/25
Click to expand
I've always felt this false sense of isolation when it comes to how my mental health issues manifest themselves.
I say "false" because I know, logically, that I cannot be the only one to experience the things I do in the way that I experience them. That's just not how the world works
But, when I say I struggle with dissasociation/depersonalization/derealization etc., part of me just cringes at myself because... I'm just not like how they write it out in the journals. Its so rare, it makes me feel like I just trick myself into it.
I have simular situation with my PTSD; more specifically, with my Waking Nightmares.
I don't have flashbacks very much, but I do have these. Moments where it's like my mind is taken over and I'm forced to watch myself go throigh nee traumas derived from my old ones; often, to watch myself try to stop the cycle and brutally fail.
I hardly see my experiences talked about amoungst other sufferers. Maybe they have simular experiences laying awake reliving; rarely, im there myself. But, the waking nightmare feels sometimes to be a hell only for me.
Luckily, I've been feeling better lately, as much as my mind still withers at this time of night. Hopefully, I'll continue to see a positive trend.
Never give up, even if you feel alone; because, even if you somehow are, you're not alone in that.
-Dallas Majarra
Hello, World
19/6/25
Click to expand
As of writing this, I am currently working on my blog page. It is ugly, unfinished, and clearly made by someone using a template (thanks, sadgrl/gen); but, it's mine.
To whoever may end up reading this, you may be wondering; why on Earth am I doing this? And, to the average Neocities user; you probably already know the answer.
The internet is no longer a safe space, it is an actively antagonistic one.
As someone who is queer, biracial, disabled (basically anything that could get your ass kicked these days) I no longer feel safe or happy on the net.
Of course, keeping up with the atrocities of the world is very important so that we as a society can fight back; but, instead of hope and connection we are exposed to content made to sap all of our hope, manufacture helplessness, and postpone change.
It is imparitive that we all prioritize our health, listen to the voices of the oppressed DIRECTLY, and carefully select the sources of information we trust in.
With this, we can stay actively informed while keeping the mental energy to effectively fight back; on the net, and ESPECIALLY in the real world (although not all are capable of that)
Stay safe, stay alive, and stay fighting.